Relational joy and pleasure is the deep sense of fulfilment and emotional connection we experience when we are in healthy, supportive relationships. It goes beyond the fleeting pleasure of good times to encompass a shared journey of love, growth, and mutual empowerment. However, achieving relational joy isn't automatic—it requires ongoing effort, awareness, and the ability to overcome toxic and selfish behaviours. In this blog, we will explore what relational joy looks like, how toxic and selfish behaviours undermine it, and strategies to build empowered, truthful relationships through prosocial behaviours.
What is Relational Joy?
Relational joy arises from a partnership where both individuals feel valued, supported, and connected. In such relationships, emotional safety and mutual respect allow each partner to be vulnerable, grow individually, and thrive together. It doesn’t mean that conflicts or challenges don’t arise. Instead, it reflects a relationship’s ability to navigate emotional challenges with empathy, communication, and mutual care.
Relational joy can be seen in how partners:
- Feel deeply understood and accepted by each other.
- Communicate openly about their needs, dreams, and fears.
- Support each other’s growth while maintaining their own autonomy.
- Resolve conflicts constructively, seeing disagreements as opportunities for learning and deepening connection.
- Feel empowered to be their true selves without fear of judgement or rejection.
Relational joy is more than just being "happy" together—it’s a dynamic state that involves mutual effort, deep emotional intimacy, and a commitment to both individual and shared growth.
Toxic and Selfish Behaviours: Barriers to Relational Joy
Toxic and selfish behaviours are major obstacles to achieving relational joy and pleasure. These behaviours erode trust, safety, and emotional connection, leaving one or both partners feeling disempowered, misunderstood, and unloved. Toxicity can stem from unresolved trauma, insecurities, unhealthy communication patterns, or a lack of emotional self-awareness.
Some common toxic and selfish behaviours include:
1. Stonewalling
Stonewalling involves shutting down emotionally or withdrawing from communication during conflicts. Instead of engaging with your partner to resolve an issue, you distance yourself, making it difficult for the other person to feel heard or valued. Stonewalling fosters emotional disconnect and frustration, as it often signals that one partner is unwilling to work through issues.
2. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one partner makes the other question their reality, feelings, or perceptions. This toxic behaviour can leave the victim feeling confused, powerless, and doubting their own experiences. Gaslighting erodes trust and creates a harmful power dynamic where one partner feels superior or in control.
3. Contempt and Criticism
Contempt occurs when one partner belittles or shows disrespect to the other, often in the form of name-calling, sarcasm, or dismissive body language. Criticism, as opposed to constructive feedback, attacks the partner’s character instead of focusing on specific behaviours. These patterns poison communication and damage emotional safety, making it hard for either partner to feel respected or valued.
4. Emotional Withdrawal
Emotional withdrawal happens when one partner withholds affection, attention, or support as a way to punish or control the other person. This creates an unbalanced relationship where emotional needs are used as leverage, leading to resentment and insecurity.
5. Self-centeredness
Self-centeredness in relationships is when one partner prioritises their own needs, desires, or emotions over the well-being of the relationship or the other person. This behaviour can manifest as a lack of empathy, a refusal to compromise, or an inability to see things from the other person’s perspective.
Some of these are what psychologists Julia and John Gottman call the horseman of the apocalypse, when they are present in relationships, especially stonewalling, the relationship is in decline.
How to Identify Toxic and Selfish Behaviours
Identifying toxic behaviours requires self-reflection, honest communication, and sometimes, input from outside sources like a therapist or trusted friend. Recognising these patterns is the first step toward creating healthier relational dynamics.
1. Pay Attention to Conflict Patterns
Notice how you and your partner handle disagreements. Do conflicts lead to productive conversations, or do they escalate into stonewalling, criticism, or withdrawal? Repeated negative cycles of conflict may indicate underlying toxic behaviours.
2. Reflect on Emotional Responses
Examine how you feel after interactions with your partner. Do you often feel dismissed, invalidated, or belittled? Are you avoiding sharing certain thoughts or feelings out of fear of the reaction? These emotional responses can be indicators of toxic behaviour in the relationship.
3. Assess Power Dynamics
Healthy relationships involve a balance of power, where both partners feel equal in decision-making, emotional support, and communication. If one partner consistently dominates the relationship or uses manipulation or control tactics, this points to toxicity.
4. Observe Communication Styles
Healthy communication is respectful and involves active listening and empathy. If conversations are filled with interruptions, sarcasm, or defensiveness, it’s a sign of dysfunctional interaction patterns.
How to Mitigate Toxic and Selfish Behaviours
Once identified, toxic behaviours can be mitigated through conscious effort, new skills, and a commitment to change. Relational therapist Terry Real advocates for relational mindfulness, which means becoming aware of how your actions and emotions impact your partner and choosing behaviours that foster connection instead of division.
1. Take Responsibility
Recognise the role you play in the relationship’s dynamic, and be willing to take ownership of your actions. If you’ve been stonewalling or engaging in selfish behaviour, acknowledge it openly and apologise.
2. Practice Accountability
Hold yourself accountable to higher relational standards. This might mean setting personal goals to communicate better, manage your emotions, or reduce toxic behaviours. Accountability creates a foundation for trust and growth.
3. Improve Communication Skills
Learn and practise healthy communication techniques like “I statements” (e.g., “I feel hurt when you don’t respond to my texts”) instead of blaming or accusing your partner. Healthy communication is key to fostering understanding and reducing conflict.
4. Seek Therapy
Ingrained toxic patterns can often stem from unresolved emotional wounds, past trauma, or unhealthy family dynamics. Individual or couples therapy can be an effective tool for breaking these patterns and creating new ways of relating.
5. Empathise with Your Partner
Empathy is central to building prosocial behaviours. By making an effort to understand your partner’s perspective, you can reduce defensive reactions and foster a deeper emotional connection.
What Does a Relationship with Relational Joy Look Like?
A relationship characterised by relational joy is one where both partners feel safe to be vulnerable, heard, and understood. It’s a relationship where challenges are met as opportunities to grow together rather than threats to the relationship’s stability. I like to think of relationships here with the capacity to have fun and experience an overall sense of connection, well-being and growth.
1. Emotional Safety
Partners in joyful relationships feel emotionally secure, knowing they can express their feelings and thoughts without fear of judgement, rejection, or retaliation. They have an ongoing commitment to creating an emotionally supportive environment where both people can be open and honest.
2. Mutual Empowerment
Each partner supports the other’s growth, dreams, and well-being. There is a sense of shared responsibility for each other’s happiness, but not in a way that creates codependency. Empowerment means that both partners feel autonomous and capable within the relationship while feeling supported by their partner.
3. Healthy Boundaries
Relational joy requires clear, healthy boundaries. These boundaries ensure that both partners maintain their individuality while being deeply connected. Boundaries aren’t about keeping your partner out but about protecting your sense of self within the relationship.
4. Constructive Conflict Resolution
Conflicts are inevitable in all relationships, 69% of couples' issues are perpetual according to the Gottmans, but in healthy relationships they are approached with respect, curiosity, and a desire to understand the other’s perspective. Instead of falling into cycles of blame and defensiveness, partners work through disagreements constructively.
What is Prosocial Behavior?
Prosocial behaviour in relationships refers to actions that promote connection, empathy, and mutual support. It’s the opposite of selfish or self-centred behaviour, focusing instead on building a strong, supportive bond. Prosocial behaviours include:
- Active listening: Fully engaging in conversations and making an effort to understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings. (Deactivate your inner fact-checker! ‘What you're saying isn’t quite true’)
- Kindness and generosity: Going out of your way to show love and appreciation for your partner, even in small, everyday actions.
- Cooperation and compromise: Being willing to meet your partner halfway and work together toward shared goals.
- Emotional validation: Acknowledging your partner’s emotions and offering support, even when you don’t fully understand or agree with their perspective.
When working with couples, I find the analogy of a ticket system helpful. Anyone who works in a company that has an IT department will know you have to raise a ticket if you have an IT issue. In a similar fashion, if you have an issue you want to raise with your partner, consider this a ‘ticket’, the partner might have the urge to bring their similar issue up too. Try to separate the two. When your partner has a complaint, deactivate your inner self righteousness! ‘I have xyz issue too!’ until the partner complaint has been resolved - as in listened to, understood by you and addressed.
Gaining Loving Empowerment
Loving empowerment in relationships means fostering a sense of self-worth, agency, and emotional well-being in both partners. Empowered relationships involve a balance of power where neither person feels diminished or overshadowed.
How to Cultivate Loving Empowerment:
- Encourage Growth: Support your partner’s personal goals and dreams, and pursue your own without fear of judgement.
- Celebrate Strengths: Regularly express gratitude and appreciation for your partner’s strengths and contributions to the relationship.
- Practise Open Communication: Keep the lines of communication open, sharing your feelings, desires, and boundaries honestly.
Disempowering vs. Empowered Positions in Relationships
Being in an empowered position means feeling confident, valued, and equal in the relationship. Empowered partners can communicate their needs and boundaries without fear, and both people feel emotionally supported and respected.
A disempowering position is marked by insecurity, fear, or a sense of inferiority. When one partner feels disempowered, they may avoid conflict, suppress their needs, or tolerate toxic behaviour to maintain the relationship. Disempowerment often arises from unhealthy power dynamics, toxic communication, or a lack of emotional safety.
Why Is It Difficult to Be Truthful in Relationships?
Being truthful in relationships is challenging because it requires vulnerability and a willingness to face discomfort. Many people fear that expressing their true thoughts and emotions will lead to conflict, rejection, or disappointment. As psychotherapist Esther Perel highlights, we often avoid honesty to protect ourselves from pain or to maintain the status quo. Similarly, couples and sex therapist Tammy Nelson argues that fear of judgement or abandonment can make truthfulness seem risky.
However, without truthfulness, emotional intimacy and relational joy cannot flourish. Authenticity is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, and it creates the foundation for trust, connection, and long-term satisfaction.
Conclusion
Relational joy is attainable, but it requires conscious effort, emotional growth, and a willingness to confront toxic patterns. By identifying and mitigating selfish behaviours, cultivating prosocial habits, and creating an empowered partnership, we can build relationships that are truly joyful, supportive, and fulfilling. Ultimately, the journey toward relational joy is one of mutual empowerment, vulnerability, and love.