Relationships are meant to be spaces of love, respect, and mutual growth. Yet, for many, the experience can turn toxic and harmful, sometimes without clear warning signs.  Asking, “Is my relationship abusive?” can be both a daunting and life-changing question. This blog explores the nature of abusive relationships, how to recognise them, their harmful impact, and the steps you can take to regain your safety and well-being.

What Is An Abusive Relationship?

A relationship that keeps you feeling stressed, anxious or worried is an abusive one. Let me say that one more time. A relationship that keeps you feeling stressed, anxious or worried is an abusive one. Abuse is not confined to any gender, age, or social group. It thrives in secrecy, often going unnoticed even by the victim until the damage becomes significant. And it is NOT OK. 

Abuse refers to any personal, emotional, physical or financial boundaries being violated. It can take many forms, from someone shouting at you, being disrespectful and calling you names, to someone pushing, hitting and causing physical harm. Relationship abuse is where a pattern of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading, or violent behavior is present. When the behavior is coming from a partner, ex-partner, or family member, it is called domestic abuse. While physical violence is a well-known form of abuse, it can also be emotional, psychological, financial, or sexual. The UK government defines domestic abuse as any incident or pattern of incidents involving abuse of an individual aged 16 or over who is a current or former intimate partner or family member. (Child abuse refers to any form of physical, emotional, sexual harm, or neglect inflicted upon a person under the age of 18).

Going forward I may refer to those who are antagonistic and abusive in their relationships as abusers, and those who are suffering under their actions as victims, even if both parties wouldn’t identify themselves as such. 

How Does It Start?

Abuse rarely starts in obvious ways. In fact, the early stages of abusive relationships can often seem idyllic. Many abusers use subtle tactics to lure their partners into a false sense of security. Here are 4 things that people do before they start to warp boundaries and begin their abusive ways. 

1. Love-Bombing: The first encounters are full of flattery, attention, and grand gestures. There is a sense that you are the most amazing person they have ever met. They make you feel special and deeply valued, perhaps you have never felt so loved and understood before. 
2. Fast-Paced Intimacy: Being caught up in the rush of love bombing, they push for rapid commitment, such as moving in together, marriage, or merging finances. They do this to create dependence. It starts with frequent contacts, daily texting and calls. They start to occupy most of your time or headspace. You are often thinking about them, it fosters a sense of bonding and connection. Before you realise it you are cancelling on friends and family, and prioritising time with your new partner more than you would normally.
3. Victimhood Narratives: They share sad stories early in your relationship about their past relationships to elicit sympathy. You tend to feel sorry for them and have empathy for their struggles. You may even feel the urge to be extra loving towards them, to show them that you will be different and more understanding. This tactic ensures you are less likely to question their poor behavior later in the relationship; you are more likely to dismiss or minimise how they treat you.
4. Testing Boundaries: They show small acts of control or cruelty disguised as jokes or misunderstandings. For example they may not show up for a date to see how you react, or show up late and not acknowledge the inconvenience of you having to wait. Other examples include, forgetting their credit card or saying their phone card doesn't work when they have invited you out on a date, implying you have to pay. Or they might say something mean or inappropriate. It shows up in small ways at first and if you try to address the bad behaviours you are likely to be told that you are overreacting or being too sensitive. From there it only gets worse, the transgressions become more blatant, but because you feel you have let it slip before you feel you are not in a position to challenge them now. Anything you bring up will be used against you, leaving you feeling worse, confused and in the wrong.

These tactics are often deliberate strategies to establish control and manipulate the victim into staying even when red flags begin to surface. It’s not uncommon for me to hear a client say, I kind of knew there were redflags at the beginning, but I dismissed them at the time. The initial attraction and sense of closeness disarms the otherwise natural skepticism that would have normally got you to walk away. It’s a psychological persuasion trick if you will. It is akin to a technique salespeople make called ‘foot-in-the-door’, a tactic that involves making a small request before asking for a larger one. Once you have said yes, you are more likely to yes next time. It can work on anyone. Sometimes people don’t see themselves as abusers, they manage to somehow hide this from conscious awareness, instead creating stories about how the world is against them or something to this effect. 

How Are They Maintained?

Abusive relationships are maintained through a combination of psychological, emotional, social, and sometimes physical mechanisms that enable the abuser to exert control over their supposed loved one. These dynamics often create a cycle of abuse, making it difficult for the victim to recognise the situation, break free, and seek help. What can be so damning is that you might not realise you are in an abusive relationship. You dismiss it by thinking it’s not that bad, they just need to be loved harder, or you believe it’s your fault, or worse, you have been convinced you are making it up and making a big deal of nothing.

At the heart of most abusive relationships lies a desire for power and control. Abusers often use a variety of tactics to dominate their victims and create an imbalance that leaves them dependent. This dynamic is well-explained by the "Power and Control Wheel," a tool that outlines common abusive behaviors.

Coercion and threats are often used to instill fear. Abusers may threaten harm to their partner, their loved ones, or themselves if the victim tries to leave. Economic abuse is another common strategy, where the abuser controls access to money, making it difficult for the victim to achieve financial independence. Isolation is a particularly effective tactic, as it prevents the victim from seeking support from friends, family, or professionals. By limiting their social interactions, the abuser ensures the victim becomes increasingly reliant on them.

Gaslighting, a form of psychological manipulation, is another powerful tool used to maintain control in abusive relationships. By distorting the victim’s perception of reality, the abuser makes them question their own judgment and memory. Over time, this erodes the victim's confidence and autonomy.

For example, an abuser might deny events or conversations that have clearly occurred, making the victim feel confused or irrational. They may blame the victim for the abuse, suggesting that it is their fault for provoking certain behaviors. This manipulation fosters self-doubt, further entrenching the victim in the relationship.

Fear is a central element in maintaining abusive relationships. Abusers use physical violence, threats, or emotional intimidation to create an atmosphere of fear and unpredictability. Victims may feel as though any attempt to leave will provoke retaliation, putting themselves or their loved ones at risk.

Even without overt violence, emotional intimidation—such as yelling, derogatory remarks, or creating an environment of constant tension—can have a paralyzing effect. The victim may feel trapped, believing that leaving is either impossible or too dangerous.

Shame and stigma are used to silence victims and keep them in abusive relationships. Victims may feel too embarrassed to admit they are being abused, fearing judgment from others. They may internalise the abuser's criticisms, blaming themselves for the situation.

Social pressure can also be a factor. In some cases, victims may fear disrupting family dynamics or going against societal expectations. This can be particularly true in cultures where maintaining the appearance of a stable relationship is prioritised over individual well-being.

 

Abusive Relationships Are Costly and Unhealthy

The consequences of abusive relationships extend far beyond the immediate harm. Over time, the relationships erode self-esteem, emotional stability, and even physical health.Victims often feel isolated, anxious, and depressed. Constant gaslighting may lead to self-doubt and confusion about reality. Chronic stress and physical harm can lead to long-term health issues, including heart problems, insomnia, and a weakened immune system. Abusers frequently isolate their victims from friends and family, leaving them without a support system. Financial abuse, such as controlling finances or sabotaging your career, can make it difficult to leave.

The consequences of staying in an abusive relationship can have devastating effects.  Mental health deterioration leads to conditions like anxiety, depression, and PTSD are common among abuse survivors. To survive, victims may develop unhealthy habits like substance abuse or emotional numbness. Any children exposed to abusive relationships often experience emotional and behavioral issues, even if they aren’t directly harmed. The fear, stress, and trauma of abuse prevent victims from living fulfilling lives. In extreme cases, it can cost the victims life.

How to Identify an Abusive Relationship

It can be challenging to recognise abuse when you’re in the middle of it. Here are some key signs to look out for:

1. Control: Your partner controls who you see, what you do (stalking), how you spend your money.
2. Gaslighting: They manipulate you into doubting your feelings or memories.
3. Blame: They never take responsibility for their actions, always blaming you or others.
4. Physical Harm: Any form of violence or threats of violence.
5. Verbal and Emotional Abuse: Insults, belittling, or making you feel worthless.
6. Monitoring: Checking your phone, emails, bank accounts or whereabouts.
7. Fear: You feel afraid of their reactions and constantly walking on eggshells.

ANY OF THE ABOVE FALLS INTO ABUSE UNDERMINING YOUR WORTH. A one off incident you may forgive, but as they repeat, they are not likely to stop no matter how kind, loving and understanding you are.

How to Escape an Abusive Relationship

You don’t have to leave, unless you or any children are in danger. You may well want to give the relationship a chance - but you would need some sort of therapy or help if anything is to change. If you are at the stage where you feel now is the time to leave. Here’s how to start:

1. Recognise the Abuse: Accepting that your partner’s behavior is abusive is the first step.
2. Reach Out for Help: Speak to trusted friends, family, or professionals about your situation.
3. Plan Your Exit: Safely plan how and when you’ll leave. Consider finances, housing, and personal belongings.
4. Contact Support Services: Organizations like Women’s Aid or Refuge can provide guidance, shelter, and legal support. For men, mensadviceline or ManKind
5. Seek Legal Protection: In the UK, you can apply for restraining orders, non-molestation orders, or other protective measures.
6. Prioritise Safety: Ensure you and your children (if applicable) are in a safe place before leaving.

Support Information for People in the UK

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, here are some resources in the UK that can help:

• National Domestic Abuse Helpline: Free and confidential support 24/7. Call 0808 2000 247 or visit www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk.
• Women’s Aid: Provides support and refuge for women and children escaping abuse. Visit www.womensaid.org.uk.
• Refuge: A specialist service offering shelter and advocacy. Visit www.refuge.org.uk.
• Men’s Advice Line: Support for male victims of domestic abuse. Call 0808 801 0327 or visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk.
• ManKind support for men ​​https://mankind.org.uk/ 0808 800 1170 
• Galop: Support for LGBTQ+ individuals facing abuse. Visit www.galop.org.uk.
• Local Authorities: Your council may offer housing or social services for those fleeing abuse.

Moving Forward After Abuse

Recovery from an abusive relationship is a journey, but with the right support, it’s possible to heal and rebuild your life. Therapy, support groups, and self-care practices can help you process your experience and regain confidence.

You Are Not Alone

Abusive relationships thrive on secrecy and isolation. Remember, abuse is never your fault, and help is available. If you’re asking, “Is my relationship abusive?” trust your instincts and seek support. Everyone deserves to live a life free from fear and harm.

 

More information: https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/domestic-abuse