Why Dating Feels So Hard Right Now (And What To Do About It).

By Relationship expert, Psychologist and Trauma specalist Dr Madeleine Roantree

If dating feels harder than it used to, you're not imagining it.

Many of the single people I work with tell me the same thing. They're successful in other areas of life. They've built careers they're proud of. They've created comfortable homes, meaningful friendships and fulfilling lives. Yet when it comes to finding a long term relationship, they often feel frustrated, discouraged and increasingly confused by the modern dating landscape.

They've done the work. Been to therapy. Read the books. They've invested in themselves. They're emotionally aware. So why does finding a meaningful relationship feel so difficult?

Before we explore that question, I think it's important to acknowledge something.

Dating really has changed. When I was a young adult, online dating didn't exist. Now there are people dating AI, look it up, they are called synthetic relationships. I believe the world has experienced it's first AI marriage.

Recent data (2024-2026) show that more people are remaining single for longer, fewer people are marrying, or even having one-night stands, and many adults are choosing to live alone. Dating app use is declining, particularly amongst younger generations; remember the headlines a year or so ago that Tinder had lost 500 000 users? Also terms such as "dating burnout" and "dating fatigue" have become part of everyday conversation.

For many people, it feels as though we are experiencing what is now called a "dating recession". (With my definition of dating in this context being “to court with the intention of finding love as a long term partner”).

While the statistics are interesting, they only tell part of the story. Behind every data point is a human being, most likely longing for connection. Remember we are social beings, which means a core human need is connection and attunement. Those who live the longest have at least one person with whom they have a strong connnection with. For someone who is trying to navigate the current dating culture it has become an exhausting, transactional and at times a deeply disheartening endeavour.

It's Important To Acknowledge The Pain of Dating

One of the things I notice in conversations about dating is how quickly people jump to solutions. "Get off the apps". "Lower your standards". "Put yourself out there more". "Be more confident". "Level up".

While these suggestions can sometimes be helpful, they often miss something important. Many singles are carrying genuine disappointment. Some have experienced repeated rejection. Some have invested years in relationships that didn't work out. Others are grieving the future they imagined they would have by now.

When people feel frustrated with dating, it isn't that they are undesirable and unattractive (even though that is how it feels) or because they are always doing something wrong. Often they're responding to a genuinely difficult experience. I think acknowledging that pain is a vital first step to paving for a new way forward. Taking a leaf out of Acceptance and Committment Therapy (ACT), there are some things we need to take stock of and acknowlegde the difficulty. More about this later.

The World We Date In Has Changed

For most of human history, people met partners within relatively small social circles. Through family, friends, work, community groups or shared interests. The pool of potential partners was naturally limited. Today, many of us have access to hundreds, if not thousands, of potential matches through dating apps. On the surface, more choice sounds like a good thing. Psychologically, however, things are not always so straightforward. The more options we have, the easier it becomes to compare, evaluate and wonder whether there might be someone better just around the corner. Enter indecision and analysis paralysis. Rather than helping people feel more connected, endless choice can sometimes leave people feeling less certain, less invested and more disconnected from one another.

Many of my clients describe feeling as though they've become part of a marketplace rather than participants in a genuine relationship search. They find themselves endlessly assessing and being assessed. And after a while, that can become exhausting. And facile.

Why Successful People Often Find Dating Surprisingly Difficult

One of the biggest myths I encounter is the idea that if someone is successful, finding a relationship should be easy. In reality, many highly successful people find dating particularly challenging. The qualities that help us succeed professionally are not always the same qualities that help us create intimacy. In our careers, we're often rewarded for being logical, efficient and decisive. Relationships ask something different of us. They require emotional openness and risk taking, patience, sitting with uncertainty, being detached from outcome and the courage to be vulnerable. This applies to all genders.

The willingness to be vulnerable without any guarantee of the outcome. For people who are used to solving problems and achieving goals, this can feel profoundly uncomfortable. Relationships are more than tick boxes. To be profound they must be experienced. It’s the very act of being vulnerable that opens up the path to connection, and with that comes emotional risk. 

We Need To Stop Treating Dating As A Battle Between Men And Women

One aspect of modern dating that concerns me is the growing tendency to frame relationships as a conflict between men and women. Spend a few minutes online and you'll quickly encounter competing narratives about who is to blame for the current state of dating.

Men are told they are the problem. Women are told they are the problem. Entire groups of people are reduced to stereotypes. The reality is far more nuanced. I think most people are not setting out to hurt one another, rather they are navigating their own fears, insecurities, disappointments and past experiences. 

And so for those who date badly or create harmful behaviours, they are really not helping the matter. This is  where healthy boundaries are essential and accountability remains important. Unfortunately many struggle to see the difference between a behaviour that is problematic from a few and deciding that an entire group of people is the problem.

If we want healthier relationships, we need to start by recognising each other's humanity. I find it far more helpful to begin with the belief that people have inherent worth and deserve respect, even when we disagree with them or choose not to pursue a relationship with them. Condemn the behaviour not the person. I was asked about revenge dating the other day, and my take on that is that it’s harmful to others and completely unnecessary. I wish people didn't do that.

How To Win at Dating

In my view, the dating recession is not simply about fewer opportunities to meet people. It's about a loss of genuine connection, in part because we have lost the skills to do so. Many conversations never move beyond exchanging information. We talk about our jobs. Where we live. What we do at weekends. At best people might ask what they're looking for in a partner, but more often that not, people slip into situationships or simply let the connection fade out.

These chit-chit surface level conversations are useful, but they rarely create intimacy.

I often talk about the Communication Pyramid.

At the base are the everyday social exchanges that help us navigate interactions. Small talk, facts and opinions. As we move higher, conversations become more personal, and we begin sharing our experiences, emotions, fears, hopes and values.

At the very top are what I call connective conversations. These are the moments when someone begins to feel known. As they have learned something meaningful about who you are.Many people are desperately seeking connection whilst unintentionally staying in the safer territory of information exchange. Yet intimacy requires something tricky from us: vulnerability. I think the main trick here is to show vulnerability along with being ‘detached from outcome’. I am not talking about share your most inner thoughts and experiences with strangers on 1st and 2nd dates, I am talking about showing up and being able to say “hey I like you, I’d like to see you again” without ‘caring’ whether they say yes or no. 

If you want to learn more about how to do that, get in touch and let's see if we can work together on this. Learn more about date coaching here.

(If you want to dig deeper into the stats, I recommend the 2025 report from Equimundo, for decline in relationship formation stats see the latest census figures here).

 

Mini Q&A

What is the dating recession?
The dating recession refers to a cultural shift in which fewer people are actively pursuing romantic relationships, fewer are marrying, and many are choosing to live alone for longer. It's not that people have stopped wanting love, the data suggests most still do, but the landscape of modern dating has made the pursuit feel harder, more transactional, and increasingly exhausting.

Why does dating feel so much harder than it used to?
Several factors have converged: dating apps have created a paradox of choice that makes genuine connection harder to sustain; social skills around vulnerability and deep conversation have eroded; and the cultural framing of dating as a battle between genders has increased mistrust. It's a genuinely difficult environment, not a personal failing.

Why do successful people struggle so much with dating?
The skills that drive professional success — logic, efficiency, decisiveness, outcome focus — can actually work against intimacy. Relationships require sitting with uncertainty, taking emotional risks, and being vulnerable without any guarantee of return. For high achievers used to solving problems, this can feel deeply uncomfortable.

What is dating burnout and how do I recover from it?
Dating burnout is the emotional exhaustion that comes from sustained effort in dating with little reward. It's increasingly common, particularly among people who have been using apps for several years. Recovery usually involves stepping back, reconnecting with yourself and your social life outside of dating, and when you're ready, returning with a more intentional, less volume-driven approach.

What is the Communication Pyramid in dating?
The Communication Pyramid is a framework you can read about in the book Clicked. It describes be the levels of conversation in relationships. At the base is small talk and information exchange. In the middle are personal experiences, emotions, and opinions. At the top are what we calls "connective conversations" — moments where someone begins to feel truly known. Most people stay at the base. Real intimacy requires moving up.